Time to Go!

Really?

2010-06-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

This is the title of an article on yahoo's home page:

4 Fun Ways to Get Flat Abs

Really? You think it's going to be fun? Who exactly are they trying to fool? It's just 4 exercises. It's not like you get to play a game while doing it. It's not fun. Stop trying to fool yourselves and us.

Sex in the City 2

2010-05-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

I LOVE that all the critics are giving this movie horrible reviews. I also love that all the newspapers would send male critics to review this movie. OF COURSE they're going to hate it.

Sex in the City is not about scripts or even plots. It's about girl time together, and I'm sorry, but only women understand what that means.

Personally, I'm going to see the movie. I don't know if I'll go the theater to see it, but it's just fun. That's all it is, and if you try to read more into it than that, then you're going to be disappointed.

WOW!

2010-05-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last wrote. Craziness.

Guess what? I have tendonitis and bursitis in my left hip. And I'm only 32. Good grief, what is happening? The doc wants me to get a shot of steroids in my hip. I guess I'm alright with that. It's supposed to supercharge the healing process. But I can't help but be slightly worried about it. I mean, I know people get it all the time, but steroids? I hope I don't get angry. Tee hee

Newt Gingrich

2009-06-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

I find it laughable that Newt Gingrich has the audacity to announce that Obama has failed. Yes, indeed, Obama has not been able, in the not even SIX MONTHS that he has been in office, to fix the ENORMOUS amount of issues that our country is facing from the EIGHT YEARS that Gingrich's buddy, Pres. Bush was in office. Highly amusing. Let's give one man 8 years to destroy a nation and then scorn the man that isn't able to fix it in 5 months. Seriously? And Jon Voight, you should stick to memorizing scripts and saying what other people write for you.

STOP having babies! (Part 1)

2009-03-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start out this little series by explaining to you some of my views on population.

I believe (along with quite a few others, I might add) that we are overpopulating the world. We are having too many offspring. The reason we're having so many environmental crises is because there's too many of us dumping too much crap on the earth. Our over population will eventually become our extinction. Whereas other eras of species have been killed off by falling asteroids or what have you, we will be our own demise (kind of fitting, actually).

The thing that is even sadder about this is that we know better! We could easily solve this.

I was just reading this book that included a little chapter about our population problem. It's suggestion: limiting one offspring/female. It wasn't just talking about for one generation, either. It's suggestion was for several generations. Here's what it would amount to: if all women were to have only one child, our current population of 6.5 billion would be 5.5 billion by 2050, 3.43 billion by 2075, and 1.6 billion by 2100. I don't even know if we'd need to go all the way down to 1.6 billion, but it would probably be best for the planet. At that point, females can start having 2 children to maintain the population at that level.

Back in the day, people were having huge families to help run the farms and other businesses. Back then it made sense to have numerous children. Today, it doesn't make any sense. There is absolutely no valid reason for having a large family in this day and age. It is irresponsible and selfish. For those of us that look beyond our own lives and how we affect the world by our decisions, we feel the need to sacrifice our one "allotted" baby because there are too many people who are having too many babies.

So, here is the ultimate question that I put out there to... everyone, I guess. Are you willing to sacrifice your desire for lots of children (or even for more than one child) to ensure the survival of the human race?

How unselfish are you?

Michael Shannon

2009-02-23T15:53:00.000-08:00

Can I just say how happy I was to see him at the Oscars last night? So proud of you, Michael! I wish you had more of a chance, but the nomination was HUGE, and I'm so glad they took notice of you! YAY!

Grrrr....

2009-02-18T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those days at work. One of those days when every little thing that my boss asks me to do is just slightly retarded. It's easy enough to do, but annoyingly more complicated than it needs to be. Because he's stuck in his ways, that's how he thinks it must be done. Anyway, it's making me want to pull my hair out. I'm not very tolerant today. I think I need to get out of the city for a wee bit.

He's Just Not That Into You... WHA???

2009-02-16T08:43:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I have a bit of a beef with this movie. My girl friend and I went to go see He's Just Not That Into You on Valentine's Day to celebrate our semi-singleness (well, semi on her part, total on mine).

Now, I "read" the book (I put that in quotes because I actually listened to the book on cd), and I loved the book. It made me laugh and laugh. It also reaffirmed things that women SHOULD know, but we don't always remember. And it was honest and made you think about the scenarios you come up with when you like someone.

Anywho, so on to the movie. First of all, I thought the character, Gigi, was way over the top. I know women who behave like that to a MUCH MUCH lesser degree, but she was outright crazy. BUT that's not even my beef because I know you want to make things bigger in movies. That's totally fine.

And you know, the majority of the movie stuck with the book until the MOST IMPORTANT part -- the end.

If you've read the book, then you know the one thing they stress OVER and OVER again is that YOU are not the exception, you are the RULE. Stop making excuses and find someone who will treat you like they should. You are NOT the exception, you are the rule.

They said this over and over again in the movie. AND THEN, in the end, the guy says, "you're MY exception." Very sweet, BUT WHAT THE HELL!?!?! You've got to be kidding me! Why don't you just PERPETUATE everything that the book goes against?? I mean, what is the POINT of the movie? And did the writer's of the book have an okay on the script? And if they did, HOW DID THEY LET THAT HAPPEN!??!

Yes, I know, I know. Hollywood wants a happy ending, but then WHY for all that is good and holy, would you make that book into a movie? That movie could have still had a happy ending, but not THAT happy ending. COME ON! Ugh.

So that's my beef. I guess I just expect too much.

I'm a horrible blogger!

2009-02-11T13:53:00.001-08:00

Ha ha. It's been sooooo long, and sooooo very much has happened since I last wrote. How do I go about catching up on it? Bah. I'll give you tidbits.

I went to Bermuda for my birthday -- BEST VACATION EVER!

I FINALLY figured out what I want to do with this crazy daisy life of mine. I'm back in school working towards an Associate's Degree in Exotic Animal Training and Management. Now the program is a general animal program, and I hope to narrow my field to marine mammals. Honestly, though, who knows what I'll end up falling in love with doing -- maybe it'll be lions. ;) Ideally, I'll be working with dolphins, though.

I became an Iron(Wo)Man -- see my other blog "I think I can, I think I can." I lost my head and signed up for another Ironman, this one even harder. Woo hoo! I'm slowly getting in gear for training for that.

My momma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia at the age of 59. Pretty damn scary. I feel much to young to be dealing with this. Her short term memory is VERY bad. The long term memory is still there when you talk to her about it. I haven't wrapped my head around it. I'm still in denial a bit, and yet, I have enormous amounts of patience with her. So maybe I have wrapped my head around it more than I think. Or maybe coaching has made me more patient. I don't know. I'm getting used to having the same conversation over and over again with her. I'm getting used to telling her 12 times (within an hour) that "yes, I had breakfast -- eggs."

I need to spend more time with her. I'm working on it. We played Wii together this weekend, and she beat me 3 out of 4 games. There is something inherently wrong when your mom is better at a video game than you are.

Lots of people I know are having babies again. It's a baby infestation. My brother just had another little girl. Madeline Joy. I have yet to meet her, but I hope to in a couple of months when she's got a wee bit of personality.

My best friend's mother passed away. I was there the moment she left. It was a horrible/wonderful experience. I'm glad I was there with her. I'm glad I got there in time. I'm glad I got to stay for so long. I'm sorry her dad couldn't handle our laughter.

OBAMA is president!! WOO HOO! Very exciting times we live in. My fingers are crossed for change and growth.

OH -- I got a raise! And a CA driver's license!

And now I have to get back to work. I'm going to try to start blogging more regularly. I have a lot whirling around in my head these days. I think that's what school does to you.

Blinders Off

2008-06-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

I am sad today. No, sad is not the right word. I'm not sad. I am... empty? Yes, I guess that's it. Did you ever hope and hope and hope, despite all the obvious things that should tell you to just forget it, but you go on hoping even though you wish not to? And then, one day, FINALLY, the final straw -- where you realize that you have to stop hoping (even though every bone in your body still wants to because that is what you are -- a hoper. Hope is an annoying thing that I can't seem to kill off when I need to, and yet, it is the thing that makes me strong. Very complex - hope).

So yeah, that is what happened yesterday. And while I can't really say that I'm sad about it, because I'm not necessarily sad. I'm not really sure how I feel, honestly. Disappointed? Sure, but in whom or what? In myself? A little. In hope? Yeah, I guess. It's this empty feeling -- I reckon it is the feeling of hope dying. This little part of you just dying. But it's not a bad thing. In fact, it's probably a good thing. A great thing. I've knocked the pedestal over. No one should be on one, anyway. It's not healthy. But the ending of "perfection" (or rather than perfection, the acceptance/embracing of flaws) is something that requires grief. The dream has broke down. Again. A different dream, but still similar and still just as broken. Fortunately it didn't take 10 years for this one to break down.

No more waiting. That is what I say. I'm not waiting anymore - for anyone or anything (well, except maybe my momma because she loves me).

Welcome to my self-help post. LOL This is what hope looks like when it dies. Fortunately, it is soon replaced with new hope. Hope for change. Hope for freedom -- finally. Hope for being able to breathe without wondering. Hope for letting go and letting whatever happens happen. And most importantly -- Hope for growth as a person and for new direction. Why? Because that is what I am -- a hoper. Love me for it.

And yet -- I still feel like a quitter. LOL -- stinking hope! I'll reconcile myself eventually.

Memory...

2008-04-22T13:58:00.001-07:00

There was something I REALLY wanted to write about. I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

I am only 30. Scary, huh?

Abuse of Power

2008-02-11T10:41:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday, I went to Griffith Park for a run (see my triathlon blog if you want info on that). I parked in the lot I always park in and set off. I planned an hour run. I got to Griffith at about 5:10pm, figuring the sun would be out for at least another hour. Well, I misjudged the sun. It went down about ten minutes before I finished. I got back to my car at 6:10pm.

I hopped in my car, getting ready to take off, when low and behold, I notice something on my windshield. I get out, pull it off, thinking it's a stupid flyer or something. It's a parking ticket! The cop gave me the ticket at 6pm, literally RIGHT when the sunset. (You aren't allowed to park there from sunset to sunrise). So this cop must have been sitting there, waiting for the sun to go all the way down before he could hop out of his car and write the ticket.

I understand that I am at fault, considering it says no parking after sunset. I misjudged how long it would take me to get back and how fast the sun would set. I even understand WHY there is a parking limit. They want to prevent shady deals from going on or people having sex or whatever. I get it. BUT, to give a ticket that close to the sunset, when most likely the owner of the car is out exercising (as most people in the park at that time are doing) and should be back any minute, is just an abuse of power. Wait until it's like 8 or later, when the sketchy people are going to be there, to give tickets. Don't ticket people who are trying to take better care of themselves. I mean, come on, I don't want to be running by myself in the park after dark. There are crazy people there. It's just lame that my running for ten minutes longer than I should have has now cost me $35, whereas I'm SURE there were people who parked there later that night to do not so healthy things, and they don't have to pay anything. LAME.

I am done with my whining now. I'm going to call and try to contest even though I really have no basis for it. I figure what can it hurt?

Getting out of dodge...

2008-01-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

I need to get out of the city. I need to clear my head. I need to soothe my soul. Restack myself.

Joshua Tree, here I come. 2 days in the desert -- wish it could be 30.

The ache

2008-01-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever just ached from somewhere so deep inside the source is a mystery and yet it stirs all of your being? The tugging that's trying to pull you into action despite your being incapable of motion...? The ache that fills you completely? Not necessarily bad, but not necessarily good either?

Trouble is I think I know what to do to help, but fear seems to have me paralyzed. So unlike me, but this... is bigger and possibly better than anything else. I think I'm terrified of either answer either way -- hahaha. Maybe I should just learn to love the ache?

Funeral Snow

2007-12-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

Erich was buried yesterday in Salt Lake City. We awoke to quite a bit of snow on the ground and snow still falling. It seemed fitting for Erich, who loved skiing. We drove to the soccer shop where Erich used to work.

How many countless hours of time did we spend chatting while we were both "working"? It was good to see where you were and what you were complaining about.

Waiting in the "viewing" room for the funeral to start was like torture. Trying desperately to hold composure. Dock tries to comfort me, and I tell him to leave me alone. Face the wall and read the sign "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly; then shall thy Confidence Wax Strong in the presence of God" over and over again, focusing on the words to make the tears stop flowing. Deep, slow, deliberate breaths. Who am I to be crying? I was such a small part of your life. If Chad isn't crying, if your brother isn't crying, what right do I have to cry? And then I look at the closed casket, and everything inside me wants to open it and hug you just one more time cuz you were such a good hugger. And the tears flow again. I'm hiding behind Josh. I pretend to inspect the program thoroughly, and my eyes wander back up to the ever-present sign, "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly; then shall thy Confidence Wax Strong in the presence of God." It comforts me. I'm swallowing my breaths, pay a visit to the Ladies' room to allow myself a few seconds of silent sobs and then there's cold water splashing into my eyes. Paper towel dabbing my face. Composure.

I go into the church. I don't sit with the rest of LeMed, not because I want to distance myself, but because it'll just be harder. So I sit and I try to sing the hymn but the sob catches in my throat. I mouth the words but no sound comes out. I listen to Chad speak with such dignity and control it amazes me. He is, indeed, your best friend. I say a quick prayer that I never have to do that at Kyung's funeral. Your cousin reads blogs as I nod my head, remembering that we chatted on those days that you were blogging about. Remembering my recommendations and our similar issues of childhood memories. They roll your casket out and it's time to head to the cemetery.

It's freezing. We're standing around your casket outside. My socks are wet, and I cannot feel my toes. My legs involuntarily shake from the cold. Joe reads the long string of eulogies written by LeMedders. I laugh when he actually reads "I forgive you for not washing my sheets." I laugh because I know you are laughing, too -- happy that something dirty was said at your funeral. They give you your military rites. I'm watching your mother watching them fold the flag. I look over at Chip. I think this is not the son your mother was expecting to get a flag for. Chip is looking at what he thought would be him. Chad is standing at attention the entire time they fold. They hand your mother the flag.

I place my hand briefly on the casket. I had wanted to do it at the viewing but didn't want to draw any attention. I don't know why -- perhaps I thought I would feel you through the wood even though I know you're not really there. Now, there are so many hands on the casket, mine gets lost among the crowd. Your father says "I still don't believe he's in there," to which Christa replies "it [the casket] is too short." Corny hugs me. I push away the tears as I turn to face the tree. I look back towards the covered area, and I see someone hugging Chad who is crying, and it breaks my heart. I want to go over and hug him, but realize we've never met. It would not be comforting for him. My heart goes out to him. I can only painfully imagine what he's going through.

We go back to the church for a lunch. We joke and tease each other endlessly. We debate on whether or not to send the controller back to Cinco. We say goodbye to your mom. When I hug her, I tell her to take care of herself. For some reason, it brings it all back. I walk away to the bathroom again -- my respite. I can't stay in the building anymore, so Josh and I go outside to the car.

The sun is shining through finally. It's beautiful. I have to go back to the cemetery. Josh gets out of the car, and I tell them I'll be right back. I drive to the cemetery, my car slides across the ice. I walk slowly over to the place. I guess I have to see if they did it. There it is. This patch of freshly laid sod. It looks strange against the rest of the snow-covered ground. It seems absurd that they even laid it. The sod will not take in the soon to be frozen earth. I lay my hand on it, and the ground gives a bit: the dirt below falling into place around the box they've put your casket in. The ground is so cold. I think about your body in the cold ground, and it takes everything in me to not start digging you out. To hold your body against mine to be warm, to not be alone. I know it's just your body. I know it is. You've always been so fragile to me though. I can't take it. I say "I'm sorry, Erich." And I walk away, back to my car, back to the church to pick up Mike and Erik.

It still hasn't sunk in. I still think that I will see your smile, hear your laugh, hug you, tease you, laugh at you... again. Perhaps someday I will. For now, I know it will randomly hit me, and the tears will well up. Over time, this will probably stop. I will never see your purty face or that smile again. Your name will forever be light gray in my AIM list. We will have no more conversations. You will no longer play devil's advocate just to get a rise out of me. You will not tell me that I can do it, or that I should do it. You will not tell me anything directly. BUT my life, my decisions will be influenced by your example. You will live on through all of us because you shone that brightly in your life. Spreadable Erich.

"You will never walk alone." None of us will.

Le Sigh

2007-11-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

My miracle didn't come. Goodbye, Erich. I'll miss your purty face.

Dying Happy

2007-11-19T10:41:00.000-08:00

I received this strange text this past Saturday night. It said something like "rukh and tifa had a home invasion and rukh is doing poorly."

Rukh is, as silly as it may sound to you, a friend that I met playing Halo online. Okay, you're asking yourself how much of a friend could he be. A real one. It's hard to explain, but this small group of people who gather to play this silly game together somehow, over the course of a year or two have become a family. We gathered in San Francisco, in Albuquerque, in LA, in Portland, in Salt Lake City. We talk to each other all day on the computer, and we call each other. And Erich (aka Rukh) would always write when he was confused or unhappy or needing to chat or needing love. Rukh flew out to LA for one day once, just to go see a movie with me (and to surprise Miss Kimmy). LOL How ridiculous is that? But that's what our friendship was. Lovely.

Not too long ago, Erich found a girl that he loved, and so our communication lessened. I was a little worried, but very happy for him. As long as I knew him, even though he would never admit it, all he wanted was to fall in love and have that person love him back as much as he loved her. He wanted to get out of SLC. He did just that. He took a LEAP and proposed to this girl the first time they physically met. He moved across the country to be with her. He got what he had longed for for soooo long.

Two days ago, while he was sleeping, this girl's ex-husband broke into their house and beat Erich to near death with a "blunt object" (I believe it was a pipe). This is what that text message was referring to. "Rukh and tifa had a home invasion and rukh is doing poorly." I don't know what I was thinking when I got that. I was confused and thinking it had something to do with video games. Then I got another text from someone else saying "erich and tifa were hurt in a home invasion." This one clicked, but still I was thinking they were robbed and beat up or something. For a second it crossed my mind that perhaps he was shot. I wrote back, asking if he was okay. "He is in serious condition." I soon learned that this guy had broken into their home and stabbed erich with a blunt object. Even then, I went out to a roller derby, enjoying my night -- concerned about Erich but knowing that he was going to be okay.

It's crazy because when I first learned about it, I had this eery peace about it. I had two thoughts -- I hope the guy didn't mess up his face. Erich is sooooo beautiful. I know that is completely shallow, but his outside beauty is just as much a part of his inside beauty. It's part of who he is, and it's something that we talked about all the time -- how pretty he was (he hated it).

My second thought was that if he dies, at least he'll die happy. Even though I didn't know the extent of his injuries, that was my thought. At least he'll die happy. All he wanted was love and to get out, and he did both those things. And the last time I talked with him, he was telling me that he was adjusting, figuring things out in this new place. I could tell he was happy -- he just "sounded" different than any other time I'd talked to him at home. I think it was hope. He was happy and hopeful. We talked about his wedding, and I complained that he was making me go to ANOTHER wedding. haha And then, we stopped chatting -- I was at work and he was just hanging out. It wasn't a big deal -- we fade in and out of conversations all the time. And he's always online (via his phone). So I would talk to him again soon. One would think that I would have learned by now to not take life for granted.

It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that I learned he was on life support. That I learned that he wasn't stabbed, that he was beaten over the head with a blunt object. And I couldn't picture Erich defending himself. I'm sure he tried, but in my head, knowing Erich and how non-violent he is, it was the equivalent of a man beating a small child.

I got a text this morning saying that he didn't make it. I asked when it happened. My friend said Saturday, they were keeping him alive until his brother got there to say goodbye. They are pulling the plug on him today. And everyone is posting things online, saying that he's dead, that he didn't make it. And I want to scream at everyone telling them to stop saying that. He ISN'T dead YET! I won't say that. I won't say that he's dead. I don't care what medicine or science says. He's going to breathe on his own when they pull the plug. We're due for a miracle. I won't quit on him before he's gone. I won't grieve for him before he's gone. He is going to wake up when they pull the plug, and I will thank God for the miracle.

I told you he was pretty. I love you, Erich!

Letting go...

2007-11-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

Usually, not knowing where I stand with a person drives me INSANE. Seriously -- it makes me crazy, takes over my mind. This time everything is different. It started the same way, and then I just decided that it didn't matter -- that I was better off either way, and I've never felt so free.

Community Service

2007-05-22T10:41:00.001-07:00

So I was driving along the highway (freeway if you're from Cali) the other day and along the side of the road was a group of community service kids. It got me thinking. Here's my idea for a community service reform. Right now, they do things like clean the side of roads and stuff. While that has it's place, and it is a job no one else really wants to do, but does it actually teach these people anything. It's a mindless task that, while annoying, doesn't really require anything from them other than time. They walk away having done "their time" but not learning anything from it.

So here's my suggestion.

People who get assigned community service have to come up with a community service project to improve their actual community (or possbily the one the offended to get th punishment). Think about it though -- it makes them use their brains and it makes them own their punishment. They actually have to invest something of themselves into it. Now, there are definite things that would need to be figured out with this. Like each person coming up with their own project may be a little too much, but that's easily solved by creating teams of people that have community service. These teams would, of course, have to get their project approved by someone who works for the city. Someone who can say, that's a good idea, or that's not good enough. Even if it is just them cleaning up a specific area of their community, at least it is their community. And like, let's say they decide to clean up a park -- well then they can actually rehab the park versus just picking up garbage. Or creating a community garden or something. The possibilities are endless. They have to create it, make it happen, own it and hopefully learn from it.
Hmmm... maybe I should figure out who my alderman is.

Homeless... again. Le Sigh

2007-05-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

So my best friend and roomate is moving back to Chicago. For six years or so, she tried to get me to move out to LA. I finally did, and now, a year later, she's moving back to Chicago. Funny how these things work out. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe we're just not supposed to be together. Perhaps we count on each other too much, so we don't push ourselves enough. Does that make sense?

Anyway, we had this home, and I left it and was so looking forward to returning only to find out that it's gone again. I'm leaving my cheap, cheap apartment to stay at my sister's for a bit. And then??? Who knows. Everyone keeps asking what I'm going to do now, and I really have nothing to tell them. I had some ideas, and then I read VELVET ELVIS, and it's shaken my existence. I have to reread it so I can figure some stuffs out.

So, I'm headed into the unknown once again. It's all very exciting, but also kind of exhausting, too. I kind of just want to chill for a while and put my soul at peace with no pressure from myself to do more, more, more. I guess that's me just being lazy. I'm tired of my soul being weary. I want some rest.

Coming home...

2007-04-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

with mixed emotions!

Again, life is just charging forward, and I'm finding it difficult if next to impossible to catch up.

It's funny -- I had all these grand plans to blog this whole time away, and here is my very first one in five months, and it is two days before I fly back home. I'm such a slacker.

Rohan, if you're reading this (which I think you are the only one who knows I have this blog -- did I tell you? or did you find me?), I'm sorry, but I'm not staying in London. I won't be able to meet up with you this time. I NEED to get home. I can't really even explain it, but I do. I promise though, we will meet soon!

These five months... wow! It's been amazing and fun and hard and everything all wrapped into one. I will be more specific once I get home and can post some real blogs. It has been a weird ride though!

I STILL have no idea what I'm doing or going to do though! HAHAHA! I had these ideas that all seemed like they were great, and then I read Velvet Elvis and stuff happened with Kyung and now I'm back to square one, full of indecision and confusion. One would think I may have things a little more figured out as I approach my 30th. I think I had more stuff settled when I was 21. This year is going to be crazy amazing!

"I need this old dream to breakdown."

Less than a day

2006-12-02T11:01:00.000-08:00

So the last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. It's funny how things seem to all climax at the same time. I think I had a meltdown yesterday. That's what I'm calling it anyway. Right now, I have a million and a half things to do, and I find myself typing a blog post. I'm slightly retarded in that way.

I hate when I want to help someone but I can't. I hate that sense of helplessness when the solution seems so clear and simple in my mind. If only I could let the person see the situation through my eyes. But it's not that easy. It's never that easy, and yesterday all of the desperation came bubbling up within, and I tried as hard as I could to push it down. I failed. I need to work on controlling my emotions. I need to learn to let go. I don't know how to let go of a dream though. Oh well, this is just a vicious cycle that I keep talking myself through around and around, and what I really need to do, is to let go of the dream despite my desire to fight to the death for it. Maybe it's just not mine to have.

I have to go to work now.

This was completely not what I thought this post was going to be about when I opened the window to write it.

Ever-changing present

2006-11-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

Wow -- so here it is, and if you had asked me a week ago what I would be doing in 1 month's time, I certainly would not have said going on a 5 month adventure to South America, Antarctica, Africa, the Middle East and Europe. But here I am today, and if you ask me what I'll be doing in a month, I will tell you that I will be embarking on a 5 month adventure to the places listed above. How quickly things change.

3 weeks ago I would have told you that I was never getting married or having children and out of nowhere comes someone who changes my mind about those possibilities. The likelihood is still VERY slim, but the fact that I fell (this is a typo. I meant to say felt, but rereading it, I find the word fell fitting as well) this way at all is pretty amazing considering where I've been in respect to love for the past year.

One of my friends says "everything happens right on time." I've always believed this to be true, but it still amazes me every time something happens to reconfirm that notion.

Life is an amazing thing. It fascinates me and confounds me.

Hmmmmm

2006-09-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

My very first blog on blogger.com. It's been a while since I wrote anything, anywhere. Life has been flying by so fast, it seems I've neglected that part of me. It's amazing, really. The past four years - gone in the blink of an eye, and yet so very much has happened. It's hard to wrap my head around it all. From my world expanding and shrinking at the same time. To losing love, or maybe just my faith in it, which I guess is really one in the same. I can't shake that one for some reason.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore... in life. I think I was better off when I didn't know myself so well, when I thought less about everything. It's true what they say: ignorance is bliss.

Wow, sorry -- a bit sad for a first post. I'm in a reflective mood right now, so I'll try to brighten the next one up a bit.

It's what you do to me....