Less than a day

So the last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. It's funny how things seem to all climax at the same time. I think I had a meltdown yesterday. That's what I'm calling it anyway. Right now, I have a million and a half things to do, and I find myself typing a blog post. I'm slightly retarded in that way.

I hate when I want to help someone but I can't. I hate that sense of helplessness when the solution seems so clear and simple in my mind. If only I could let the person see the situation through my eyes. But it's not that easy. It's never that easy, and yesterday all of the desperation came bubbling up within, and I tried as hard as I could to push it down. I failed. I need to work on controlling my emotions. I need to learn to let go. I don't know how to let go of a dream though. Oh well, this is just a vicious cycle that I keep talking myself through around and around, and what I really need to do, is to let go of the dream despite my desire to fight to the death for it. Maybe it's just not mine to have.

I have to go to work now.

This was completely not what I thought this post was going to be about when I opened the window to write it.

Ever-changing present

Wow -- so here it is, and if you had asked me a week ago what I would be doing in 1 month's time, I certainly would not have said going on a 5 month adventure to South America, Antarctica, Africa, the Middle East and Europe. But here I am today, and if you ask me what I'll be doing in a month, I will tell you that I will be embarking on a 5 month adventure to the places listed above. How quickly things change.

3 weeks ago I would have told you that I was never getting married or having children and out of nowhere comes someone who changes my mind about those possibilities. The likelihood is still VERY slim, but the fact that I fell (this is a typo. I meant to say felt, but rereading it, I find the word fell fitting as well) this way at all is pretty amazing considering where I've been in respect to love for the past year.

One of my friends says "everything happens right on time." I've always believed this to be true, but it still amazes me every time something happens to reconfirm that notion.

Life is an amazing thing. It fascinates me and confounds me.

Hmmmmm

My very first blog on blogger.com. It's been a while since I wrote anything, anywhere. Life has been flying by so fast, it seems I've neglected that part of me. It's amazing, really. The past four years - gone in the blink of an eye, and yet so very much has happened. It's hard to wrap my head around it all. From my world expanding and shrinking at the same time. To losing love, or maybe just my faith in it, which I guess is really one in the same. I can't shake that one for some reason.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore... in life. I think I was better off when I didn't know myself so well, when I thought less about everything. It's true what they say: ignorance is bliss.

Wow, sorry -- a bit sad for a first post. I'm in a reflective mood right now, so I'll try to brighten the next one up a bit.

It's what you do to me....