Blinders Off

I am sad today. No, sad is not the right word. I'm not sad. I am... empty? Yes, I guess that's it. Did you ever hope and hope and hope, despite all the obvious things that should tell you to just forget it, but you go on hoping even though you wish not to? And then, one day, FINALLY, the final straw -- where you realize that you have to stop hoping (even though every bone in your body still wants to because that is what you are -- a hoper. Hope is an annoying thing that I can't seem to kill off when I need to, and yet, it is the thing that makes me strong. Very complex - hope).

So yeah, that is what happened yesterday. And while I can't really say that I'm sad about it, because I'm not necessarily sad. I'm not really sure how I feel, honestly. Disappointed? Sure, but in whom or what? In myself? A little. In hope? Yeah, I guess. It's this empty feeling -- I reckon it is the feeling of hope dying. This little part of you just dying. But it's not a bad thing. In fact, it's probably a good thing. A great thing. I've knocked the pedestal over. No one should be on one, anyway. It's not healthy. But the ending of "perfection" (or rather than perfection, the acceptance/embracing of flaws) is something that requires grief. The dream has broke down. Again. A different dream, but still similar and still just as broken. Fortunately it didn't take 10 years for this one to break down.

No more waiting. That is what I say. I'm not waiting anymore - for anyone or anything (well, except maybe my momma because she loves me).

Welcome to my self-help post. LOL This is what hope looks like when it dies. Fortunately, it is soon replaced with new hope. Hope for change. Hope for freedom -- finally. Hope for being able to breathe without wondering. Hope for letting go and letting whatever happens happen. And most importantly -- Hope for growth as a person and for new direction. Why? Because that is what I am -- a hoper. Love me for it.

And yet -- I still feel like a quitter. LOL -- stinking hope! I'll reconcile myself eventually.