Blinders Off

I am sad today. No, sad is not the right word. I'm not sad. I am... empty? Yes, I guess that's it. Did you ever hope and hope and hope, despite all the obvious things that should tell you to just forget it, but you go on hoping even though you wish not to? And then, one day, FINALLY, the final straw -- where you realize that you have to stop hoping (even though every bone in your body still wants to because that is what you are -- a hoper. Hope is an annoying thing that I can't seem to kill off when I need to, and yet, it is the thing that makes me strong. Very complex - hope).

So yeah, that is what happened yesterday. And while I can't really say that I'm sad about it, because I'm not necessarily sad. I'm not really sure how I feel, honestly. Disappointed? Sure, but in whom or what? In myself? A little. In hope? Yeah, I guess. It's this empty feeling -- I reckon it is the feeling of hope dying. This little part of you just dying. But it's not a bad thing. In fact, it's probably a good thing. A great thing. I've knocked the pedestal over. No one should be on one, anyway. It's not healthy. But the ending of "perfection" (or rather than perfection, the acceptance/embracing of flaws) is something that requires grief. The dream has broke down. Again. A different dream, but still similar and still just as broken. Fortunately it didn't take 10 years for this one to break down.

No more waiting. That is what I say. I'm not waiting anymore - for anyone or anything (well, except maybe my momma because she loves me).

Welcome to my self-help post. LOL This is what hope looks like when it dies. Fortunately, it is soon replaced with new hope. Hope for change. Hope for freedom -- finally. Hope for being able to breathe without wondering. Hope for letting go and letting whatever happens happen. And most importantly -- Hope for growth as a person and for new direction. Why? Because that is what I am -- a hoper. Love me for it.

And yet -- I still feel like a quitter. LOL -- stinking hope! I'll reconcile myself eventually.

Memory...

There was something I REALLY wanted to write about. I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

I am only 30. Scary, huh?

Abuse of Power

Last Thursday, I went to Griffith Park for a run (see my triathlon blog if you want info on that). I parked in the lot I always park in and set off. I planned an hour run. I got to Griffith at about 5:10pm, figuring the sun would be out for at least another hour. Well, I misjudged the sun. It went down about ten minutes before I finished. I got back to my car at 6:10pm.

I hopped in my car, getting ready to take off, when low and behold, I notice something on my windshield. I get out, pull it off, thinking it's a stupid flyer or something. It's a parking ticket! The cop gave me the ticket at 6pm, literally RIGHT when the sunset. (You aren't allowed to park there from sunset to sunrise). So this cop must have been sitting there, waiting for the sun to go all the way down before he could hop out of his car and write the ticket.

I understand that I am at fault, considering it says no parking after sunset. I misjudged how long it would take me to get back and how fast the sun would set. I even understand WHY there is a parking limit. They want to prevent shady deals from going on or people having sex or whatever. I get it. BUT, to give a ticket that close to the sunset, when most likely the owner of the car is out exercising (as most people in the park at that time are doing) and should be back any minute, is just an abuse of power. Wait until it's like 8 or later, when the sketchy people are going to be there, to give tickets. Don't ticket people who are trying to take better care of themselves. I mean, come on, I don't want to be running by myself in the park after dark. There are crazy people there. It's just lame that my running for ten minutes longer than I should have has now cost me $35, whereas I'm SURE there were people who parked there later that night to do not so healthy things, and they don't have to pay anything. LAME.

I am done with my whining now. I'm going to call and try to contest even though I really have no basis for it. I figure what can it hurt?

Getting out of dodge...

I need to get out of the city. I need to clear my head. I need to soothe my soul. Restack myself.

Joshua Tree, here I come. 2 days in the desert -- wish it could be 30.

The ache

Have you ever just ached from somewhere so deep inside the source is a mystery and yet it stirs all of your being? The tugging that's trying to pull you into action despite your being incapable of motion...? The ache that fills you completely? Not necessarily bad, but not necessarily good either?

Trouble is I think I know what to do to help, but fear seems to have me paralyzed. So unlike me, but this... is bigger and possibly better than anything else. I think I'm terrified of either answer either way -- hahaha. Maybe I should just learn to love the ache?